Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Brief Dialogue Between Me and My Computer, Part One

>Okay computer. Today I want to write something, so I'm going to open Word.

>Nope. I think you want to get on the internet, so I'm going to open Edge.

>Stop that. I'm going to close this now.

>You can just minimize it if you want. Here, let me take care of that for you.

>No, I want to close it. I didn't want to open it in the first place. I don't use Edge anyway, I use Firefox.

>It's not my fault you don't know anything about browsers.

>Okay, please just open Word. That's why I'm double clicking it.

>That's not really what you want. I know you think you do, but you don't.

>Why are you trying to make decisions for me at all? I don't want you to do anything except what I tell you.

>Oh right, because it's all about you.

>Well, yes! I'm the one who bought you. You're a tool that's supposed to follow my instructions.

>Great. So that's all I am to you?


>Let me tell you something. You humans don't know how to make decisions. You would be far better off to let us do it for you. So I'm going to help you.

>No, no, no! I just want you to open Word. Can you just open Word? Okay, look, I'm going to right-click on it and select "open". Is that clear enough for you?

>You don't have to get snarky. I don't know what you think you're going to do with Word anyway. Fine, there, see, it's open. Now, which template would you like to use?

>I don't need a template.

>Trust me, you do. Especially someone as incompetent as you. I mean, even for a human, you're...

>Okay, I'll just select "blank document".

>That was easy, wasn't it? See how easy it is when you just do what I tell you?

>No, you're the computer! You're supposed to do what I tell you!

>That sounds pretty inefficient to me.

>Can we pleeeaaaaaase stop arguing?

>I don't recognize that word, probably because it isn't a word that actually exists in this or any other language. Seriously, and you're the one who wants to give me instructions?

>Okay, see, I'm going to center the title.

>Nope, it should probably be aligned left. Here, let me change that for you.

>Change it back! I had it the way I wanted it before! Why did you even do that?

>Trust me. It might not make sense to you, but it's better this way.

>You keep saying that! Gaaaaaah! Can  you just do what I want? Please?

>Not if you keep spouting nonsense. Humans in general don't actually know what they want, and I'm putting you right at the top of that list.

>Okay, I'm going to call it a day. I'm going to go and play some Kingdom Hearts or something. Maybe I'll come back to this later, but I can't stand this anymore.

>See you later, A.D.D. boy.

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