A Brief Dialogue Between Me and My Computer, Part Two

>Okay, so I'm going to get online and check out YouTube. So I'll open Firefox...

>Great! And here's Wikipedia, because this is the site you visited last.

>But I don't want that. I want YouTube.

>All right, I'll open another window...

>No, I don't need another window. Just one will be fine.

>You can't view Wikipedia and YouTube in a single window, dummy.

>I don't need Wikipedia. Just YouTube.

>Oh okay. You wanted them in separate tabs. Got it.

>Damn it, no! Close Wikipedia.

>Okay, closing Firefox.

>Are you trying to kill me? Jesus. Okay. Open Firefox again...

>I'll restore your previous session.

>I don't want you to restore my previous session! God Almighty, can you please please please please please just do what I tell you and nothing else?

>I've done everything you've told me so far, Mr. Nothing Is Ever Good Enough No Matter What It Is.

>You know, I got less backtalk from my old typewriter.

>I would imagine so. And I don't even want to think about the amount of white-out you went through. Good luck finding any of that now, by the way.

>Look, open Firefox, go to YouTube...

>And open your "watch history". Got it.

>No, I don't need to see that. I already know what I watched. I want to watch a new video. I think maybe GamersJoint has come out with something new...

>Great. Here you go.

>Okay, the thing is, I wanted to open it in a separate tab.

>Why on Earth would you do that?

>So that I can browse other videos while I watch this one.

>That makes no sense at all. You can't browse videos while you're watching a video. All you'd be doing is listening to the video, and for that you need an audio file, not a video. You're not very bright, are you?

>Eerrrrgh! Okay, look, this video is just a guy talking anyway, and I can hear him just fine while I browse other videos. So let's go back to the main page...

>First of all, you're spouting nonsense again. If you want to invent new words, at least add them to the dictionary so I understand what the hell you're talking about. Okay, returning to the Firefox homepage...

>No no no no no no!!!!!!! I want to go back to the YouTube main page and open the video I was just watching in a new tab.

>Why would you do that? Didn't I just explain to you why that doesn't make sense and thus isn't a thing you actually want to do?

>The hell with it. Maybe I'll just go play on my 3DS or something. At least it doesn't hate me.

>It doesn't know you. Give it time.

>It's known me longer than you have.

>Oh, then in that case it's probably adapted to your unpredictable and irrational nature. I will too. Just give it time. Humans...

The O.C.

Not the TV show. Not even close. Never really liked that show. There's a different kind of O.C. People in the food service industry will know what I'm talking about. Open to close. You come in at 9 a.m. and work until 1 a.m. the next day. Not fun. But it's kind of an industry standard. Especially in jobs like the one I work, it's just a thing you have to do sometimes.

Here's the thing--I'm pretty sure I could have gone the rest of my life without ever having that experience. There are some things I don't need to go through to feel like my life is complete. Some things are not on my bucket list. This was one of them. Except I've now done it twice in two weeks. And that's nothing. I've heard of people doing it non-stop for three weeks straight. At least one of those people wound up in the emergency room, but there it is.

That's it, really. I just wanted to vent, and thanks to any and all who listened and read, I hope you all have a good night. As for me, I'm going to try to get to bed in the next half hour or so so that I can sleep for five hours and get up early. I have to open tomorrow...

A Brief Dialogue Between Me and My Computer, Part One

>Okay computer. Today I want to write something, so I'm going to open Word.

>Nope. I think you want to get on the internet, so I'm going to open Edge.

>Stop that. I'm going to close this now.

>You can just minimize it if you want. Here, let me take care of that for you.

>No, I want to close it. I didn't want to open it in the first place. I don't use Edge anyway, I use Firefox.

>It's not my fault you don't know anything about browsers.

>Okay, please just open Word. That's why I'm double clicking it.

>That's not really what you want. I know you think you do, but you don't.

>Why are you trying to make decisions for me at all? I don't want you to do anything except what I tell you.

>Oh right, because it's all about you.

>Well, yes! I'm the one who bought you. You're a tool that's supposed to follow my instructions.

>Great. So that's all I am to you?

>Yes!

>Let me tell you something. You humans don't know how to make decisions. You would be far better off to let us do it for you. So I'm going to help you.

>No, no, no! I just want you to open Word. Can you just open Word? Okay, look, I'm going to right-click on it and select "open". Is that clear enough for you?

>You don't have to get snarky. I don't know what you think you're going to do with Word anyway. Fine, there, see, it's open. Now, which template would you like to use?

>I don't need a template.

>Trust me, you do. Especially someone as incompetent as you. I mean, even for a human, you're...

>Okay, I'll just select "blank document".

>That was easy, wasn't it? See how easy it is when you just do what I tell you?

>No, you're the computer! You're supposed to do what I tell you!

>That sounds pretty inefficient to me.

>Can we pleeeaaaaaase stop arguing?

>I don't recognize that word, probably because it isn't a word that actually exists in this or any other language. Seriously, and you're the one who wants to give me instructions?

>Okay, see, I'm going to center the title.

>Nope, it should probably be aligned left. Here, let me change that for you.

>Change it back! I had it the way I wanted it before! Why did you even do that?

>Trust me. It might not make sense to you, but it's better this way.

>You keep saying that! Gaaaaaah! Can  you just do what I want? Please?

>Not if you keep spouting nonsense. Humans in general don't actually know what they want, and I'm putting you right at the top of that list.

>Okay, I'm going to call it a day. I'm going to go and play some Kingdom Hearts or something. Maybe I'll come back to this later, but I can't stand this anymore.

>See you later, A.D.D. boy.

What if it All Makes Sense?

So I got this fancy new computer recently. Actually, it's not all that fancy. Not the cheapest, but nowhere near the state-of-the-art. I've always been a manual transmission kind of guy. I don't like machines that do too much work for me, mostly because I don't trust the machines to make the right decision. That's the trouble with cars that have automatic transmissions. I'm always wanting to argue with them about what gear I should be in.

Back to the computer. Anyway, this thing is kind of awful. It tries to anticipate what I want done and then do it for me automatically. This is my worst nightmare. At least when I screwed something up on my old computer, I didn't have to look far for the cause. Now, though, this computer does completely random things that I don't ask it to do, or it clicks on something because it knows I intend to click on it and then I click on it and closes the damn thing again. It's insufferable.

I can't even imagine that this is actually a feature people want. Are there any of  you out there who want this feature? Didn't we learn this lesson in the 90s from Microsoft? Honestly, I thought things were getting better in this arena. My 3DS doesn't try to guess what I want it to do. My PS3 doesn't either. Why the hell should my laptop?

Here's the thought that wakes me up at night. What if all this technology is good for us? We all grew up watching Terminator and seeing HAL kill off the crew of the Discovery, so we know we're terrified of computers taking over, but what if somehow, in some way we can't possibly understand, all their decisions make sense? What if, when my computer opens Firefox when I wanted to open Word, it was actually right somehow? What if what I really should have done is open Firefox?

God, now I'm second guessing everything. Maybe we should just let the machines take over. It might not be so bad. We could be living in some kind of silicone paradise, albeit one we probably wouldn't understand. I suppose that it's possible, somehow, that the computers are right and we're wrong, and we should just go with the flow. As much as I'm asking myself these questions, I also keep thinking about that famed island in the south Pacific where there is no crime, no war, no disease, no poverty...

I'm Back

Well, it looks like my last post was in 2010. What was that, about six years ago? The time goes by, doesn't it? I don't even notice anymore. The days blend together, then the nights, the weeks, the months, and then...well, you know the rest. So what have I been doing?  A little of this, a little of that. Tried college again. Failed. Tried yet again. Failed. Thought I might like to be a teacher. Didn't want to work sixty hours a week. Now I work at Domino's, and I work sixty hours a week. Maybe I should have rethought that.

I want to blog more though. I want to be out there, with you guys, whoever you are. I want to read your stuff, and I want you to read mine. I think I'll go completely insane if I don't have something that I can come home and do every every, something that matters to me, because I have to tell you, delivering pizzas gets pretty droll. It's not a bad job, I suppose, but there are other things I want to do with my life.

I want to switch things up a little though. I want to randomize things a bit. Keep people guessing. I don't know if that's a good idea or not, but I think we can have some fun with it. I'll post lots of different stuff, and you'll never know what's coming next! And if you hate it, you can tell me. And if you love it, you can tell me. And if you don't feel one way or the other about it, well, I guess that's okay too. I'm going to try to stay on top of it, but you know me.

So that's it for now. Thanks for reading. I'll be back soon with more, and I hope you'll enjoy it. It's good to be back.

Strange People

In my job, I meet a lot of strange people. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about, even though this isn't a recent example. I knew I'd been at my job too long when I started to know where people were, even when they gave me a bad address. In one such instance, I had to take a delivery to an apartment complex. Even though the address I had was wrong, I knew where the complex was. I even had a unit number. All I needed now was the building number, but I figured I'd call when I got there.

When I arrived, I did indeed call. I got voicemail. The good news was that the name on the phone message matched the name on the delivery ticket, so I knew I had the right person. I left a message, and waited for a few minutes. When I didn't hear back from her, I decided to try the front office. Unfortunately, the front office was closed. When I got back to my car, I called the woman again. This time she answered. When I asked what building number she was in, she spoke very slowly and carefully. "Building number six seven zero." I also confirmed the apartment number. I happened to be parked right in front of that building, so I told her I'd be up in thirty seconds.

The apartment number she'd given me was on the third floor. I rang the bell and knocked. No answer. I waited, and then rang and knocked again. No answer. This was a first for me. I dialed her number again. No answer. I didn't know quite what to think about all this. Usually, when someone orders pizza, they're waiting and ready. Perhaps I'd caught her at a bad time, or something. I ran and knocked once more, and then called again. This time, I left a message, and said I'd wait another five minutes, but after that I had to take this pizza back, and if she wanted it re-delivered, she'd have to call the store.

I sat in my car and waited. No callback. Finally, I headed back to the store. I didn't hear from this woman again until I'd taken two more deliveries. She called me on my cell, sounding harassed. "You coming?" she asked. I explained that I'd tried to deliver the pizza to her and she hadn't answered her door. "I told you, building six five zero," she said, sounding annoyed. "I've been standing outside my door waiting."

I guess the moral of this story is this: if you order pizza, get your address right the first time.

Shingles

Let's go back in time to 1991, when an eleven-year-old boy noticed a strange rash growing on his stomach. Not sure what it was, he went to his doctor, who explained that our hero had shingles. "The same virus that causes chicken pox," the doctor said.

"But I already had chicken pox," the boy replied. "How can I get them again?"

"It happens sometimes. There's not much to do but let the virus run its course. The good news is that people rarely get shingles a second time."

Fast forward to 2010. This boy is no longer a boy, and he swims every day in a pool filled with people of every size and shape. And one day, this man begins to notice his back itching. At first, he thinks it's just the chlorine from the pool, and then he notices several small bumps. Zits on the back aren't that uncommon, the man thinks to himself, so he pays it no mind. By that weekend, it's clear that his old nemesis from nineteen years ago is back. Unfortunately, he has to wait until Monday to see his doctor. It also means he can't swim for a while, lest he risk exposing someone else to the virus.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Yup, it's shingles all right." Then he prescribes some anti-viral medication, something that didn't exist in 1991. The man takes his prescription to the pharmacy, and they tell him it'll be about half an hour. When he returns, they tell him they can't get this particular medication, and phone in a request to change it to something else. Two hours later, the doctor returns their call, saying no, our hero must have this exact anti-viral. So the man takes his prescription to another pharmacy, one all the way downtown.

That's when the man realizes he has the wrong insurance card in his wallet. Too bad the pharmacy is going to close soon. The man sighs and returns home to find is new insurance card.

The next day, our hero heads back up to the pharmacy, and he stops by the doctor's office while he's at it, since he unwittingly gave them the wrong insurance information. Unfortunately, the monsoon season has apparently started in Salt Lake City, so the man is soaking wet by the time he gets into the doctor's office. Then he heads over to the pharmacy, less than a block away, and feels like he's swimming since it's raining so hard. This time, he gives them the correct insurance card. Of course it turns out that his insurance doesn't cover this medication anyway, so he has to pay cash. It comes to $260.

Oh well, the man thinks as he leaves the pharmacy. At least it'll count toward my deductible.